Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
