I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
