Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
