Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
