census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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