I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
