woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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