you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
