"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
