Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
