the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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