i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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