I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
