Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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