I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
