hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
