I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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