he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
