Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
