There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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