I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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