So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
