I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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