o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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