Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
