Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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