well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
