how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
