i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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