Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
