and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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