you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
