Can i not drive my cunt home
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
