We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
