SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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