Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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