I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
