I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
