dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
