he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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