Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
