I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
