If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
