I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
