Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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