just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize