just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
