You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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