I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
