well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
