I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
