my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
