Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
