I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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