filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
