Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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