Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
