what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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