Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
